This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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