I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
soo... how was my night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
