Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
