I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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