I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
