I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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