the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
