my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
