if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
