we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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