I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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