I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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