i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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