Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
