Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
