Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
this is an emotional support booty call
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
