enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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