and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
