I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
