and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
