I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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