are you so shy because you have an std?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
