He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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