how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
