they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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