lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
