i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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