I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
