I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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