we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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