She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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