You can't motorboat a personality
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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