I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
