Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
