May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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