I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
