My room smells like vodka and shame
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
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I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
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I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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