my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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