He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
