My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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