Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
