He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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