This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
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had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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