Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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