Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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