I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
