i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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