Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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