Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
