Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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