Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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