just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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