So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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