When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
