You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
