Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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