I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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